


i quite like the dream i had of holding your hand

by honey_pots



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Pining, T for swears, implied agentreign, other kara relationships mentioned, retinitis pigmentosa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 16:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honey_pots/pseuds/honey_pots
Summary: lena's love wanes and waxes like the moon going through its phases. it comes and goes in eighths and fourths and thirds and halves and wholes. there's always going to be a part of her heart in kara's possession, a part she willingly gives and doesn't expect back. it's stopped hurting around the time lena threw herself into academics and she's learned, at her most optimistic, to savor the rush her love gives her.--or lena is learning to adjust to her loss of sight but that isn't even what she fixates on most of the time. because, apparently, kara's always going to be her number one concern.





	i quite like the dream i had of holding your hand

**Author's Note:**

> i've had about 5k of this written for nearly a month now, but i ran out of steam for it. and then i accidentally forgot about it while i worked on other things. i'm glad i came around to finish it though (and i literally just finished it so sorry about any errors). and although it's sort of a mess of scenes that got longer than i intended, i'm quite happy with what i've written. this story does involve lena having retinitis pigmentosa, but please note that that's not the main focus of the story. it's just part of her life in this universe. anyway, i hope you enjoy the read. let me know what you think!
> 
> section breaks and the title are all lyrics from banana bread by cavetown.
> 
> (also, thank you to everyone who kudo-ed and/or commented last time. i really appreciate it.)

It’s dark at night.

That’s a bit redundant but when Lena thinks dark, she really means _dark._ The night is pitch black; a whole lot of nothing; a ceaseless void; an abyss. There's no depth to the night. It's just a big chunk of black-painted wall perpetually clinging to Lena's field of vision. The only exceptions are the specks of Kara's Christmas lights— _so you can see in the dark_ , she said with an audible smile in her voice, the one that beams and radiates from her entire being; so genuine and heartfelt that Lena didn't have the heart to tell her it wouldn't exactly help—permeating the darkness. And even then, she can't see the ones in her peripherals.

She shifts slightly where she lays on her side, tilting her head to follow the line of lights on the opposite wall, barely making out the different colors. The lights are blurry and radiate in spheres like a camera lens that just refuses to focus on the bulb, or lights flaring in the background of a holiday picture. She stares at them for some time, waiting and waiting and waiting to see if they'll come into focus. But they don't; like she knows they won't. It's just the way things are now with her sight loss.

(Lena's still adjusting.)

The head tucked beneath her chin shifts, nudging her head up slightly. Her heart flutters and squeezes and pulls as the other occupant of the bed murmurs sleepily, her breath puffing out against the hollow of Lena’s neck. Lena moves her arm where it’s slung across Kara’s waist, maneuvering her hand to run circles against the small of her back. She feels and hears the girl melt back into the mattress, sub-consciously humming with content as she snuggles further into Lena.

Lena sighs silently, relieved that she didn’t wake up. As much as she loves the girl, Kara can be a worrier. And while it’s touching that she cares so much, it’s just… a lot sometimes. Lena dislikes nothing more than feeling inept, and it certainly doesn’t help when Kara sets her own life aside to hover. It’s been a point of contention between the two friends, leading to a few arguments—a majority of their rare fights, really—which then leads to an upset Kara which... no one wants an upset Kara.

If she had woken up to find her awake at—Lena squints her eyes at the glaring red numbers of the alarm clock Kara keeps but then _oh, yeah_ she can’t make out what’s being displayed—late o’clock, Kara would have stayed up until she went to sleep. It’s happened before and Lena didn’t mind it too much _before_. But it’s game season now and she knows (just like all their friends know) that sleep is important for Kara during game season. There’s no way she’s going to be the reason Kara’s sleep deprived while performing potentially dangerous stunts.

Lena squeezes her eyes shut to dispel the thoughts because then _she’ll_ be the worrier. She focuses on the sound of Kara’s breathing, focuses on the feel of her arm raising and falling with each breath. Lena doesn’t know how long she lays there, eyes closed and listening. It could five minutes or fifty; she wouldn’t know the difference when she’s in the other girl’s arms. But eventually, she’s lulled into sleep by Kara’s rhythm.

…

Lena still dreams in color.

She savors each one. She savors them because she knows that they’ll eventually change to match her current vision once her mind accepts her new perspective of the world (like how she stopped dreaming in Irish when she was five). But right now her dreams are in clear hues and distinct shades and solid figures.

It’s ironic how she sees when her eyes are closed.

And while she may savor them, Lena finds that they are of the things that haunt her. She dreams of Lex, youthful and bright with a mane of red hair that he meticulously cared for; dreams of a brother who is still present. She dreams of a woman with dark hair and loving eyes, humming a lullaby that Lena mimics in the most difficult of times; dreams of an early morning walk down to the beach.

(She dreams of star-speckled blue eyes and a blinding smile that puts the sun to shame; dreams of a love unrequited.)

–

**i didn’t wanna wake up last night**

**cause i quite like the dream i had of holding your hand**

–

Homecoming is the only game that Lena goes to nowadays.

(If it had been her first year, she would have caught (good-natured) shit for skipping out on all of Kara’s school performances. Which did happen because she _did_ only go to the homecoming game their first year, but only after several days of the Superfriends’ ribbing and a day of Kara’s pouting. She went to all the following games too. Lena’s indifferent about the actual football, but she went for Kara and stayed for Kara. Although, by the time the next season came, Lena’s vision had _really_ started to recede.

And, well.

Lena hadn't exactly been forthright about how bad it was getting until she literally couldn't hide it. It became hard to excuse away why she kept bumping into chairs and tripping over the living space carpet. It became hard to joke away the reason why she tripped over nothing, seeing steps where there were only shadows. It became hard to explain why she took up learning braille and using text-to-speech apps.

When the truth came out, Kara told her not to come to the games anymore. But not like in a mean way because Sunny Danvers doesn't have an intentionally mean bone in her body; she said it in the ‘I really care about you and worry for your safety,’ kind of way; the kind of way that seems more like an order than a request. And well—Lena didn’t exactly take well to that.

Her reply was wow. As in ‘I can’t believe you just said that, Kara. What the fuck? I can take care of myself??’ kind of wow with all the incredulous-ness of an offended millennial. Indignant multiple question marks and all. Which in turn caused Kara to fire back defensively.

And that’s how the first argument happened.

It didn’t last long. They’ve been friends long enough to know to give each other some space after a screaming match and then come back together to sit down and talk out their problems. And when that didn’t work, they knew how to listen at the very least.)

Lena’s typically the last of their friends to get to the bleachers. She stands near the base, squinting as she takes in the stacks of benches, trying to spot a figure that looked remotely familiar. The benches are already packed with hyped college students, loud and obnoxious as they prepare to show their school pride. The squinting is useless really, so she takes to treading carefully to find her friends.

She finds Sam first. Or rather, Sam finds her. There’s a tap to her elbow and she barely gets to register a flash of brown hair before she’s been led to the bench right next to where the cheerleaders sit. She stumbles slightly as the taller girl drags her. But thankfully Sam slows her steps, probably grimacing sheepishly at her but Lena’s too focused on not tripping to check. The others are already seated on the bench, scooting around to make room for them. Lena gets sandwiched between Sam and Alex, immediately soaking in the warmth that radiates off of them.

The group choruses with variations of 'hey, Lena' that she returns with a distracted mumble back but other than some pokes to her side, no one makes a fuss about it. She looks around for a hint of blonde hair—golden and in ringlets; there are quite a few blondes attending NCU, but none quite like Kara's; none quite as recognizable—and a uniform in noble blue and proud red. “Where’s Kara?”

“With Mike.” It's Winn who answers, the impression of a wide smile in his teasing tone. And Lena just knows he’s failing at waggling his brows (which gives her flashbacks to their first year when the phrase was ‘with James’ instead). But Alex shifts at her side, no doubt glaring at the guy, and she hears him gulp loudly. The sound of kettle corn rustling accompanied by fast chewing gives Lena the mental image of Winn shoving a handful of into his mouth, and James’ low laughter tells her that is exactly what's happening.

 _Ugh, Mike Matthews._ Lena can't stop the thought. It's practically an instinct at this point. She used to be indifferent towards the guy with only the occasional wish for him to think more before he spoke. And then he joined Delta Epsilon Omega. He's not a member anymore—and Lena didn't even think anyone with working brain cells _could_ get kicked from DEO, but Mike didn't have any let alone one—but somehow he still finds a reason to hang around the fraternity house. Even more so now that Winn's picked up a liking for the guy (for some reason).

And then Kara started dating him about two months ago.

Lena's been seeing less of Kara but more of Mike these days which has soured her feelings toward the boy. Reasonably, she knows it's only because they're in a new relationship, but still. She finds herself missing Kara more than she'd like. It's a bit distracting and all around depressing. But at least, it's her bed that Kara usually ends up in.

(Wow, that sounds different out of context.)

“Ugh, Matthews.” Lena actually pauses as the words huff out, wondering if her mind-to-mouth filter has slipped. But it isn't from her the words come from; it's Alex. It's no secret that the older Danvers is protective of Kara. Her caution over her sister's boyfriends has always been A Thing. Even if the boyfriend was someone they all knew (i.e. James). But Alex has a particular dislike for Mike Matthews. “Why is she still dating him?”

“I don't know.” Sam pipes up, speaking around the food in her mouth that prompts Lena to poke her in the side. Her hand is slapped away playfully which is followed by Sam obnoxiously chewing her food before swallowing loudly. “I always thought Kara had better taste in guys. Case in point,” and she turns to gesture toward James.

“Aw. Thanks, Sam. But there _is_ a reason we didn't work out.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she waves off good-naturedly, batting away the kettle corn James chucks at her with a laugh. “Still, I assumed she would go _higher_ in standards, not lower.”

“Oh, come on,” Winn mumbles around his food too—and Lena wonders when she became friends with toddlers _—_ apparently feeling brave again now that Alex's ire has turned elsewhere. And Lena bites her cheek to keep a scream at bay because _she just knows_ the next words he says are going to be: “He's not that bad.”

Lena inhales slowly through her nose, rolling her eyes so hard they roll into the back of her head. It's the same thing Kara says every time Alex rags on Mike or every time Lena goes quiet—because she's sworn to herself she's not going to argue with her best friend about some boy—when he's brought up. And it's a saying that Winn's picked up on and started dishing out when Kara isn't around to defend her boyfriend. It makes Lena wonder if Winn's infatuation with Kara has migrated to Mike... or maybe both.

(It's not a thought she puts too much time into.)

Lena tunes out of the conversation as Alex starts bickering with Winn, James and Sam occasionally inputting their own comments; most of which are unrelated but it keeps the conversation from getting too serious. She keeps her eyes on the field, tracking the gathering cheerleaders near the base of the bleachers. She runs her fingers against the face of her watch, feels that it's five till the game starts. Yet she still hasn't seen Kara.

That changes with a couple of yells from around the stands, yells of _Supergirl_ that echo around the field. A smile finds its way onto Lena's face, knowing that wherever she is, Kara is surely flustered by the calls of the nickname the campus had unanimously given her. She leans in her seat, squinting uselessly in search of her best friend. The field has become busy, people buzzing about like bees to a flower bed. But Lena could be... well, Lena _is_ _going_ blind and she's still able to pick out the star that is Kara Danvers.

The blonde runs across the field to join her teammates, obviously harried and flustered even as she takes the time to wave around to the people that call out to her. She pauses visibly as she spots something, spots Lena and rushes over to the base of the bleachers just below where the group of friends sits. “Lena!”

“Hi.” Lena stands, leaning over the railing to get closer, and Kara hops onto the bench reserved for cheerleaders with the same intent, pulling her into a brief hug. Both ignore the _What are we? Chopped liver?_ that comes from Alex as they embrace. “Break a leg out there, Danvers.”

“I'm glad you're here, Lena.” It's not exactly what Lena expects her to say but it settles neatly into her chest and spreads out with warmth. She makes to lean back again, knowing that the game will start soon, but Kara's arms tighten around her for just a moment, a brief squeeze like she doesn't want to let go yet. She lets go slowly, lingering in Lena's bubble as she leans around to wave at the others. Laughter bubbles from both of them as someone (or maybe all of them) chucks kettle corn at them. She turns back to her, smiling just a tad shy. “Wait for me after?”

“Always.”

And then there are lips against her cheek, a quick blink-and-you-miss-it kiss and then Kara's hopping back down to join her teammates. Lena sits back down slowly, scowling at the teases that Sam—the only one she's ever admitted her Kara-feelings to—whispers to her and pointedly ignoring the way Alex stares at her.

…

The game goes more or less how Lena expected. She's only half a mind into what's happening on the field, but the CSUNC football team is barely pulling ahead by half-time starts. And that's when she really pays attention. She watches the marching band actively, smiling widely as she spots Nia and Brainy among the marchers and smiling even wider when Winn and James stand up to cheer for the two.

She watches the cheerleaders closely too.

Or rather, watches Kara. It's hard not to. Kara grabs her attention and Lena's eyes can hardly stray from her. While the other cheerleaders are definitely attractive (in several ways), it's Kara's presence that pulls her in. Her gaze tracks her friend's blurry figure throughout the routine. Both because she's an amazing flyer and because the stunts are dangerous. Her heart's conflicted between worry and awe, the emotions working in harmony to accelerate her heart rate.

She's been 'sneaked' into enough practices—Coach Grant runs a tightly sealed ship, not taking any chance of potential leaks of the choreography; but she seems to have made an exception for Lena for some reason (because 'sneaking' is a relative term when it comes to Kara. That is: it's non-existent)—to know Kara's teammates are completely trustworthy.

But still. Lena doesn't know what she'd do if Kara got hurt.

When the routine is done, Lena immediately stands with the rest of her friends, clapping and whooping. There's a lot of noise yet Kara's laughter, jovial and uninhibited, still reaches her ears. It's the kind of laughter that tells her Kara's high on adrenaline, riding the wave of a well-executed stage. It's the kind of laughter that tells her Kara's cheeks are flushed pink and dimpling under the weight of her smile. It's the kind of laughter that tells her Kara's going to be up all night, either spending energy at a party or humming show tunes as she lays on Lena's bed.

(She hopes it's the latter.)

After half-time, Lena spends most of the time sorting through her emails or talking about nothing with her friends. The game ends with the school team winning by a slim margin—it would be an _absolute mess_ if they lost during homecoming—and the crowd's roaring is jarring to Lena's ears. It's a lot louder to her than it was last year and she puts her hands over her ears as students yell and honk their blow horns.

A hand settles on the small of her back, warmth permeating through her sweater, and she knows through the faint touch alone that it's Alex. It's a quiet gesture she's witnessed between the Danvers sisters; a quiet gesture that means 'I've got you;' a quiet gesture both sisters have taken to use with her; a quiet gesture that grounds her, let's her breathe.

The moment her hands slip away from her ears, Alex's moves away with a parting pat. She mouths _thanks_ to Alex who shrugs and pretends the whole thing didn't happen. And Lena is more than fine with following that lead.

It doesn't take long for people to start moving. Lena waves goodbye as Sam departs, having to pick up Ruby from the sitter, and as James and Winn split from them to throw away their trash. Lena leads the way to the girls' locker room, leaning against the wall opposite of the entrance while Alex takes to pacing, already impatient to leave. It doesn't take long for a group of girls to exit, and Lena can only watch as Alex accosts one of them.

“Hey, Eve,” Alex starts, ignoring the startled squeal the girl lets out and ignoring the way the other cheerleaders pause to wait. Eve stutters to return the greeting, but the redhead just continues to talk over her. “Kara still in there?”

“Oh, um,” Eve hesitates, chewing on her lip and her eyes flutter toward the other girls who studiously look away, willing to throw her under the bus if it means staying away from Alex's ire. It's honestly a sentiment that Lena doesn't fault them for. “I – uh – I think she just left with Mike.”

…

_Ugh. Mike Matthews._

…

Lena rolls onto her side, facing away from her door as she hears murmuring right outside of it. It sounds like arguing; tired, lets-not-do-this-right-now arguing. By the cadence of the voices, she can tell it's the Danvers sisters, and she knows that it's mostly Alex berating Kara for staying out so late and Kara trying to put off the scolding. That's pretty much the pattern their arguments tend to this past month and some weeks. The conversation doesn't last long—her gut tells her it's about three in the morning so she can understand why Alex relents (for now) —and then there's a pair of feet walking away.

Her door creaks open as Kara tries sneaking in, forgetting at the moment that Lena's door needs to be opened quickly to avoid noise. She hears the girl curse softly, stumbling slightly as she realizes her mistake and making even more noise in her attempt to. Lena shuts her eyes, suddenly feeling far too fond for how exhausted she is.

The door shuts with a solid click and then the bed dips behind her as Kara climbs in. There's a brief moment where Lena's back is cold as the other girl lifts the covers to slip under them, but it's mitigated by the way Kara immediately takes to molding herself against her back. There's a couple of beats of silence as Kara melts into the bed and winds an arm around Lena's waist, clutching slightly at the old tee she's wearing just above her belly button. They're not facing each other, but they're so close Lena can smell the alcohol that she no doubt drank.

Lena wonders why Kara is even here; at the house, in her bed. Wonders why she's here and not with her boyfriend. But that line of thinking is malicious and a route she promised herself she wouldn't go down. Besides, she's too tired and still feeling too much like she was left at the altar once Eve told them Kara had actually ditched them. It's something that Alex grumbled about the entire walk to the DEO house; something that Lena stored away to unbox at a later date (read: never).

A cold nose nuzzles against the nape of her neck, interrupting her thoughts, and Lena cannot even attempt to suppress the shiver that trails her spine. Kara makes a happy sound, a low hum from the back of her throat, and she burrows further into Lena's back and the covers. The hand on her stomach moves, wiggling in search of something and finds it in the form of Lena's hand. She takes Lena's hand, entwines their fingers tight, and another happy sound puffs out of her as Lena subconsciously squeezes their hands.

And god, if Lena wasn't already in love…

Perhaps this is just her falling in love all over again.

It certainly won't be the first time.

–

**it’s funny how slowly time goes when**

**my thoughts have been racing all this time**

–

Lena's been in love since she was eight. She's been in love since the girl living across the street sat next to her on the school bus. She's been in love since that girl tried trading lunch with her on the school bus (she said yes and instantly regretted it when all she got was junk, but she's since found out Kara also regretted it when all she got was health foods; but Kara had just been trying to make friends with her which, props to her, it worked). She's been in love since that girl waved her over in the cafeteria to sit with her. Lena's known she was in love since she was sixteen, applying for colleges near the ones Kara was applying to, wanting to stay close by.

Lena's love wanes and waxes like the moon going through its phases. It comes and goes in eighths and fourths and thirds and halves and wholes. There's always going to be a part of her heart in Kara's possession, a part she willingly gives and doesn't expect back. It's stopped hurting around the time Lena threw herself into academics and she's learned, at her most optimistic, to savor the rush her love gives her.

But nowadays, at her most pessimistic, all she feels is tired.

She's tired of hearing about dates, failed or not. Tired of having her heart race every time Kara _looks_ at her. Tired of hoping that those looks mean something more. She's tired of stomping on her own heart when Kara just goes on another date. Tired of choking on her feelings. Tired of feeling sorry for herself.

Tired. Tired. Tired.

But never tired _of_ Kara.

She doesn't think she'll ever tire of Kara.

…

She doesn't bring up the fact that Kara ditched them after the game, but Alex has no qualms about it. The older sister throws out passive aggressive jokes that make Kara's shoulders hunch and a crinkle appears between her brows for the next couple of days. The other occupants of the house can only watch as the tension boils between the sisters, knowing fully well that getting in between them is a death sentence. Even Lena, who has been their friend for a while now, stays silent as she eats her breakfast with them.

It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“You know,” Alex starts that day, her tone less joking around and more contemplative, really laying it on thick this time. “I can understand if you ditched me for a boy, but Lena?” _Why me?_ Lena thinks, eyes wide, and she sinks into her seat, wishing she didn't choose to sit with them. “Never thought the day would come. Sometimes – it feels like you're a different person.”

And _that's_ what gets to Kara. She starts breathing in that way that says she's just a second away from exploding, and Lena looks up from her plate to watch her, concerned and spooked by the way the temperature just drops. The table jostles slightly as the blonde stands, turning and encasing Lena's wrist in a steel grip as she pulls them away from Alex. Pulls her all the way up into Kara's room, the door slamming shut behind them. Lena only has a few moments to settle on the bed before Kara erupts, frustration coloring her words clearly.

“I can't believe – why would she – she has no right – ugh!”

It goes like that for a couple of minutes, with Kara stumbling over her words and gesticulating widely. Throughout the entire rant, Lena stays quiet, tracking the way the girl marches back and forth as she paces, her turns sharp. She's beautiful like this. Kara's beautiful in general (even when she's drooling a puddle against Lena's shoulder), but there's a different kind of beauty to the way she wildly expresses her anger.

In the aftermath of her rant, it's silent save for Kara's harsh pants as she tries to regain her breathing.

“You don't – you don't agree with her, do you?” There's a whole range of emotions in Kara's voice that Lena can't even attempt to decipher, so she looks away studiously instead. She looks to the ground, finding interest in the blurry designs of her carpet. There's a long pause of nothing, no air, no moving. And then bed dips at her side. She lifts her head enough to see Kara's figure sitting, her head in her hands. “Oh my god, you do.” She says with muffled disbelief and Lena opens her mouth to say something, _anything_ , but she doesn't have anything and Kara continues anyway. “You do agree, and Alex is totally right. I am different.”

“Kara—”

“I never did say 'sorry,' did I?” She lifts her head up from her hands, and they're close enough for Lena to see her clearly, to see each uncovered freckle and count every eyelash, to see the contained nebula in blue irises. “For leaving. For not texting you.”

“It's okay.”

“It's not,” is the immediate response, accompanied by the fondly exasperated head shake Kara seems to only reserve for her. It's a tad sad too, with the way there's a furrow to her brows and the corners of her mouth are slightly down, on the verge of frowning but not yet. “I shouldn't have done that.”

Lena shrugs, fighting to keep eye contact. “You're your own person, Kara.”

“I am. But I'm also your friend.” And for some reason, the statement hangs heavily between them like they're both aware that it doesn't quite fit. The thought is enough to have Lena break eye contact, enough for her heart to speed up. “You worry about me.”

“Yeah, well,” again, she only shrugs and rubs her palms together, feeling unnecessarily clammy.

“Why didn't… why didn't you say anything?” Lena arches a brow, getting the feeling that Kara means more than just being left behind. “Usually you call me out when I'm – different.”

Oh.

“I guess I didn't notice.” It's such bullshit and they both know it. Lena always notices. She's always watching, looking. And it sounds creepy when she phrases it that way, but it's hard not to look at Kara. Hard not to be pulled into her orbit. She's so alluring; she's so celestial. And Lena feels like Icarus flying too close to the sun, just a second away from plunging straight into chilly depths. “I just knew you were happy, that _Mike_ makes you happy.” And maybe she spits out his name a little.

She hopes that doesn't read as jealousy.

There's a pause that follows her words. Weighty and heavy between them like there's another conversation going on that Lena isn't exactly privy to. There's a touch that ghosts against her jaw, drawing her attention back to Kara, back to looking at Kara. And there's an expression there, on her face, that Lena's not seen before, at least not so close, not so… intimately. There are fingers tracing up her jaw, rounding the edge of it and lingering just above where her pulse beats against her skin. There's a flush to Kara's cheeks that Lena tries to rationalize as her eyes playing a trick on her. Because otherwise, her heart will start singing with hope.

“ _You_ make me happy _,_ Lena.”

Scratch that. It'll sing an entire ballad.

…

Kara's phone buzzes endlessly as they study together—well, _Lena studies_ while Kara lays on the bed, humming some tune under her breath. But Lena's mind has drifted from the braille in front of her and has fixated on the consistent buzzing. It's not exactly annoying but more concerning. She turns her head from where she sits on the floor, finding that Kara is already watching her. She doesn't comment on the staring—doesn't think she currently has the mental capacity to go down that road right now—but she does arch a pointed brow.

“Are you gonna answer that?”

Kara shakes her head, grinning cheekily as she gestures toward the closed book in front of her. “I'm busy.”

“Uh huh.” The phone continues to buzz. “Are you... sure you don't have to answer that?”

“It's just Mike.” There's a lot to unpack in that: the casual dismissal, the grin on Kara's face, the small shrug she gives. It all makes Lena feel bewildered at how casual Kara is about it. But any questions she has dies on the tip of her tongue when she really _looks_. Really looks and sees the way Kara's eyes waver and sees the way her smile wanes with uncertainty and—tiredness. So she lets it go; just hums and bumps the top of her head against Kara's chin.

She pretends not to hear the sigh Kara lets out.

…

Kara breaks up with Mike Matthews quietly.

She mentions it casually when they're all out getting dinner together. Although it's not said to the whole group, really. Lena overhears the words even as she's listening to Sam's story of Ruby's most recent tantrum.

From across the table, Kara says 'oh, I don't know. I'm not seeing him anymore' in response to Winn's question on some Mike-related thing. She says it while stretching her leg out; her leg, that just happens to brush against Lena's ankle. And it just happens that her foot stays there through the rest of the meal, the toe of her shoe tapping against her leg lightly.

Lena studiously ignores the weird look Sam gives her, more focused willing her ears to cool down.

…

Kara breaks up with Mike Matthews quietly.

But that doesn't stop Alex from asking if they should throw a party.

–

**i know i've said it once but i still tell myself again and again:**

“ **you'll never be enough,” but what is enough?**

**you're selfless, isn't that enough?**

–

“You're coming with us for the holidays, yeah?”

Lena turns away from the documentary she's listening to, looking over her shoulder to see Kara leaning against the back of the couch where she sits. She's close enough where Lena can see the hopeful gleam in her blue eyes and the slight tilt of a lopsided smile. Lena hums in thought, eyes drifting away briefly as she mentally goes through her calendar.

During Thanksgiving, she stayed at the DEO house with Sam and Ruby, just the three of them. Kara had pouted up a storm when she found out the 'plans' Lena had mentioned really entailed staying at the house when she could've gone to Midvale—Alex pouted too, according to Sam; a very amusing picture that Lena wishes she'd witnessed. She doesn't have any current plans for winter break, though.

“Sam and Ruby will be there too, so—” Kara says, seeming to mistake her silence of consideration for hesitation instead. She drags out the vowel of 'so' and trails off there, not really finishing her sentence. But Lena understands what she's trying to say anyway.

“Yeah, okay,” she nods, returning her gaze to watchful blue. There's that look again, on her face; the one that's fond and – and loving almost. Maybe. No. Probably not, right? Lena squashes the thought before it sinks its claws into her mind. “I'll be there.”

“Good,” Kara beams, blinding her—or well, blinding her further with how bright her smile is. It's really charming and doing things to Lena's heart that she doesn't want it to be doing. But apparently, her heart doesn't have nearly as much self-control as her mind does. But that's been known, really. “Because Eliza missed you during Thanksgiving.”

“ _Just_ Eliza?”

“Well, no.” Kara huffs, the tips of her ears flushing red even as her smile turns cheeky. “Krypto missed you too.”

Lena snorts, smiling wide as Kara huffs out a laugh. They grow silent, just looking at each other as the documentary plays in the background. Kara tucks a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear, her lashes fluttering prettily, and Lena stops breathing. There's a heart-stopping moment where Kara's gaze flickers like she's searching for something on her face. Her eyes flicker, and then she leans in. She leans in.

_She leans in._

And Lena's about to be murdered.

Except there's a toddler laughing and shrieking. And the piercing sound pops their bubble abruptly. Kara pauses from leaning all the way forward. She's in Lena's space, their noses nearly brushing and Lena can practically feel her breath on her lips. It makes her heart trip over itself in an attempt to be steady. And then they're both left blushing red as Ruby toddles right past them, half-dressed.

Lena's the first one to move away, whipping her head around to stare at the TV screen as she tries to calm her heart and cool her cheeks. She hears Kara fake a cough and shifts away from the couch to stand as Sam and Alex both run into the living room, calling after Ruby. Alex pauses, though. No doubt taking in the scene that Sam just rushes past to scoop her daughter up.

“You good there, Kara?”

“Hm?” The sound comes out shrill, and again, Kara coughs to mask what she's feeling. Lena slumps further into her seat on the couch, hoping that Alex doesn't make a comment about the blush that Kara's surely still sporting. Hopes that she doesn't notice the red staining Lena's ears. “Mhm.”

“Oh-kay then, weirdo.”

“Shut up, don't call me a weirdo!”

“But that's what you are?”

The conversation quickly descends into an argument—the classic back-and-forth of _I am not! Are too! —_ and Lena's left sitting there, listening to them bicker. She doesn't even attempt to quell the smile that forms on her lips, too fond of the familiar petty fighting. She glances back to them just in time to see Kara playfully shove at Alex, only to underestimate her own strength and nearly knock her sister over.

While Alex stumbles, Kara is unsuccessfully hiding a laugh behind her hands. It makes Lena snort under her breath but it's still loud enough to regain Kara's attention. And she's abruptly reminded of what almost happened as the blonde's cheeks flush brightly.

It's such a pretty sight that Lena's jaw momentarily slackens, her lips parting like she might say something. But there's clearly a disconnect between her heart and mind because her mind is blank and no words come forth. Except she doesn't even get the chance to scramble for something to say because, like the true sister she is, Alex takes that moment of distraction to tackle Kara to the floor. Lena actually startles at that, jumps up to kneel on the couch cushions to follow the mess.

She can't help but laugh as the sisters wrestle, too used to their antics—had this been years before, she would have jumped to stop them, but she knows that they'd never hurt each other. For a good minute, the two roll on the floor, trying to pin each other. It lasts until they roll right onto Sam's feet anyway.

“And here I thought there was only one toddler in this household.” Sam deadpans, not even wincing as Ruby claps and squeals right in her ear. And Lena can't help but think, yeah, Sam's definitely got the mom voice down.

…

Lena can't sleep that night even though, for once, she's alone in her bed. And although she's alone, she doesn't feel lonely. Not with the Christmas lights strung along her walls, connecting her room to Kara's (and the bathroom too, but that's not what her mind is filled with). And that's exactly who her mind fixates on that night: Kara, Kara, Kara.

Kara, who she loves.

Kara, who tried to kiss her.

Kara, who surely doesn't like her back.

Right?

Right. It _has_ to be right. It's been so long since she's accepted that her love is (was?) unrequited that Lena wouldn't know what to do if Kara actually does return her feelings. It's such a convoluted feeling to her. The want for Kara to like her back and the fear that all her acceptance was for naught. The fear that she's wasted so much time. The fear that Kara's feelings are just misplaced.

Fuck. She doesn't know—she just doesn't know. Anything.

…

Neither mention the 'thing that almost happened.' Not when finals are quickly approaching.

But Lena doubts 'out of sight, out of mind' will work for long. When Kara wants something, it's nearly impossible to stop her. Lena just never imagined it would be her that Kara wants.

…

Lena's forgotten how bad of a driver Kara is. She's immediately filled with regret of not arguing more for Alex to drive. It doesn't help that Kara lets her control the radio, she's too busy clutching at the grab handle. She feels like a mom when the car accelerates above fifty mph. But honestly, with Kara at the wheel, Lena understands how those moms feel. The older girl hardly ever signals and hardly ever checks her blind spots, merging lanes haphazardly. It gives Lena heart palpitations. And not the kind she usually has around Kara.

Although those type of palpitations is still around. There's tension in the car that Alex and Sam either politely ignore or haven't noticed. Or maybe the tension doesn't feel as pressing to them as it does to Lena. It could be that they're distracted enough by Ruby (or each other) to be oblivious to what's happening around them. Surprisingly, Alex hasn't complained much about Kara's driving despite it nearly being half an hour into their drive.

Lena thinks Kara may have tried to bring up the _thing_ that happened a couple of weeks earlier before they set out, but the moment had been interrupted quickly as Sam entered the car to buckle Ruby into her car seat. _May have_ being the keywords because she isn't quite sure. All Kara managed to say was... well, all she managed to stutter out were small, incoherent noises that Lena couldn't decipher. Even with her years of navigating her way through Kara's rambles, Lena hadn't understood anything she said.

“Can we make a pit stop?” Alex suddenly says, startling Lena out of her thoughts. “And change drivers while we're at it?”

“Hey! My driving isn't that bad!”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn't! Right?”

It takes a bit for Lena to realize that the last part is aimed for her to answer. She turns to find Kara's eyes right on her and while Lena would usually fall into a pit of trying to memorize every shade of blue in those irises, right now the girl's attention sparks a fit of panic in her chest. Her hand tightens on the grab handle, knuckles drawing white as she realizes the car is drifting into the other lane. “Eyes on the road, Kara!”

“Oops.”

“Well, that answers that,” Alex deadpans. “We're switching.”

Kara grumbles under her breath, no doubt ready to pout up a storm for the rest of the ride, but complies with her sister's demands and pulls up to the next available gas station. Alex makes a show of stumbling out and praising the ground, and Lena barely holds back from following suit. But only because Kara already looks semi-peeved by her sister's dramatics. Lena watches with fond exasperation as Kara rushes out of her seat to swat at Alex, not an ounce of shame in her as she starts a brawl in public.

With the others distracted—Sam with unbuckling a squirming Ruby—Lena leans over the console to pull at the lever that opens the gas tank compartment. Before the others can protest, she maneuvers to the gas pump to swipe her card. By the time Kara notices—she yelps out a chastising _Lena!_ while her arm is around Alex's shoulders in a loose choke hold—Lena's already got the gas pump going.

Lena shrugs, grinning unapologetic.

“Damn it, Lena,” Sam says this time, cradling Ruby to her hip. “How do you always get to it first?”

She shrugs again, smirking as Sam rolls her eyes and hip checks her as she makes her way to the convenience store. There's another scuffle from the Danvers sisters as Alex scrambles out of Kara's grip and catches up to Sam. Which leaves Lena alone with Kara. Kara, who takes to leaning against the car right next to where Lena is watching the gas pump.

“I'm – uh. I'm glad you're here.” Kara says, ducking her head when Lena turns to look at her. “Coming with us to Midvale, I mean.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she grins over the pink dusting her cheeks, almost shy as she looks up at Lena through her lashes. It's a feat that Lena doesn't know how she manages, considering Kara's a couple of inches taller than her. “Eliza maybe wasn't the only one who missed you.”

“Well, yeah. Krypto missed me too, remember?”

Kara scowls slightly as her words are thrown back at her, and Lena can't help the laugh that huffs out of her at Kara's mock offense. Her huff of a laugh turns into a snort when the older girl bumps their shoulders together. But her heart stutters into her throat when Kara stays leaning into her. “I missed you.”

Lena bites the inside of her cheek, willing herself not to blurt out anything too dangerous. “It was only five days.”

“Five days without you.”

God. Is Kara trying to kill her right now?

“Well, now you get several weeks of me.”

She doesn't get an answer but Kara's still staring at her, her gaze burning across her skin. Lena arches a brow but her _what?_ is cut off by the gas pump clicking off. She turns away from Kara to finish off the transaction. And when she turns back around to get into the car, she finds that the old girl has stepped right into her space. There's barely a hair of space between them; the hairs on Lena's arms prickle with the energy radiating between them.

“Can we,” Kara murmurs, barely louder than the wind, “talk about it?”

 _Talk about what_ , is what Lena would usually say, and she prepares to say it. Except when her tongue darts out to wet her suddenly dry lips, Kara's gaze drops down to follow the motion, her lashes fluttering as though hypnotized. And Lena knows exactly what she's thinking. And really, how long is she going to deny herself this? Even if it's just an acknowledgment.

But just like last time, the squeals of an excited toddler breaks the moment, signaling Alex and Sam's return with Ruby.

It's Kara who steps back this time. But it's like she has to physically will herself to. She takes in a deep breath and takes her time moving back, but her gaze never leaves Lena's. But before she can move too far, Lena grabs her wrist in a loose hold. She can't help but press her thumb to the inside of Kara's wrist—she wonders whether the racing pulse she feels is her own or Kara's—caressing the skin there.

“Later,” Lena says; promises.

…

It's night time by the time they make it to Midvale. Dark as all hell to Lena's eyes. It's been a minute since Lena's been to Midvale, so it almost feels unfamiliar. Kara seems to feel her hesitance because as soon as their near each other, Kara takes her hand. Normally, Lena would have just whipped out her white cane, but she's good with hand holding too—even if Kara's palm is slightly clammy. It doesn't deter her from subconsciously knitting their fingers together.

The sound of a door creaking open is followed by the jingling of dog tags and nails on concrete. Kara doesn't let go of her hand, even as she braces against Krypto's lunge. Lena listens to the sound of her laughter, smiling along with it, and though she can't exactly see the expression she's wearing, she can imagine it. Cheeks flushed pink, smile wide and beaming, blonde hair a little mused. Beautiful.

“Lena,” a subtle touch to her elbow draws her attention away from Kara, and Lena instantly smiles as she recognizes Eliza's voice. She doesn't untangle her hand from Kara's but she does wrap her free arm around Eliza. The woman hugs back just as readily, squeezing her with affection that her own mother had never shown. “It's so good to see you again, sweetheart.”

“Glad to be here, Eliza.”

Eliza slips away after another squeeze to pull Kara into a hug as well. Lena shifts her weight from one leg to the other as Alex and Sam, having already said their greetings with Eliza, head inside with a sleeping Ruby and half of their bags. The fingers around her hand squeeze, tugging just slightly in a way that tells her _don't let go_. So she doesn't. She squeezes back and finds herself unable to resist the instinct of running her thumb against Kara's knuckles.

“C' mon, you two.” Eliza urges them forward to the house. “You must be tired.”

“Definitely,” Lena says, her lips twisting into a slight smirk as she pokes fun, “Especially since Kara drove first.”

“Oh?” The older woman plays along, “Who let that happen?”

“Hey!” Kara interjects before it can go any further, her pout audible in her words. She grumbles as the two of them laughs softly, though not really offended.“Not funny.”

Lena and Eliza both murmur apologies they don't really mean. Well, Lena doesn't really mean it but Eliza might. She gives Kara's hand another squeeze though, just to make sure she's not actually offended by their jokes. She's relieved when Kara squeezes back immediately and even steps closer to bump their shoulders together.

Kara and Lena split from Eliza, who heads up back to her room, to put their bags away. Lena starts pulling away to set up on the couch like she usually would, but Kara tugs her back, readjusting their hands to further entwine them. She tugs just a bit too hard and Lena stumbles slightly, barely able to regain her footing as to not knock into Kara.

“What's happening?”

“You're rooming with me this time,” Kara explains, leading her toward the staircase alight with Christmas lights. Now that Lena's noticed them, the whole house is alight with Christmas decorations. And far more than usual. She has a hunch on who convinced Eliza and Alex to set up the décor like that, and she has a hunch on the reason too. “Alex is bunking with Sam to help with Ruby.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kara smiles—beams brighter than the Christmas lights around them. “It was Alex's idea.”

Lena just lets out a non-committal hum at that. The explanation—or excuse—is something she half believes. It's probably the truth, but only part of it. It may have been Alex's idea but it was likely Kara's idea too, or at least she probably encouraged it. Lena's not too sure how to think about that though; doesn't want her hopes too get too high. Even with the _thing_ that almost happened. Even with the event at the gas station.

Hope is a dangerous thing in a Luthor's heart.

But hope cultivated by the Danvers (by Kara)? Well, that's a different beast entirely.

Much like at the DEO house, there's a string of Christmas lights leading the way to Kara and Alex's childhood bedroom. A bedroom Lena knows hasn't changed, even after both sisters left for college. Lena had spent many days and nights hiding away in the room. Well, in the house in general.

Lena, again, moves to pull away and this time Kara lets go; although, not with another squeeze first. Lena steps forward to settle into Alex's bed, just about ready to collapse, and curls up on top of the duvets. She heard Kara shuffle around on the other side of the room, flushing warmly when she recognizes the sound of clothing being swapped out for pajamas. Her heart eventually calms once Kara settles into her own bed and the ambiance of the night washes over the room.

“Hey, Lena?” Kara calls out, breaking the silence. Lena stays curled up on her side but hums in response to let her know she's listening. An answer doesn't come for some moments and Lena shifts to roll around to face the older girl. She can't see Kara, but she knows that Kara can see her. “Um – I wanted – there's something – never mind.”

Lena could push. She could push and get Kara to spit out what she's thinking, get Kara to admit... something.

Or whatever. She doesn't know what she's after anymore.

So, she doesn't push; just says, “Okay.”

…

The Danvers actually don't celebrate Christmas traditionally, but it's a holiday that they take to enthusiastically anyway. Especially with decorations. And while the house is already thoroughly decorated, the tree Eliza bought remains without any. Putting ornaments among the branches and stringing garlands in the greenery is, Lena knows, one of Kara's favorite activities during winter break.

So naturally, Lena finds herself fond of the activity too.

Eliza had gone out for the day to run some errands—bringing Krypto and Ruby, much to Sam's trepidation and exhausted relief, along—and the Danvers sisters were in the attic locating more of the boxes they stowed their decorations in. They'd left Lena and Sam to rifle through the ones they'd already brought down.

Lena's looking for one ornament in particular when Sam says, “I didn't know you use to play volleyball.”

She looks up from the mess she's rummaging through and sees Sam looking closely at one of the pictures adorning the Danvers' wall. Despite not being able to see the picture, Lena knows which one she's talking about: the group photo of Midvale High's volleyball team of her last year. Lena had stopped playing once she started attending National City, but she only has fond memories of the sport. Well, mostly fond anyway.

“Huh. I guess I never mentioned it.”

“Were you any good?”

She thinks about the box of trophies and medals stashed away under her desk back at the DEO house, thinks of the state championship trophy Eliza has next to all of Alex's surfing medals and Kara's cheerleading trophies. She shrugs though, turning back to the box she's rifling through. “Uh, yeah, I was pretty good.”

“Pretty good at what?” A new voice entered the conversation. Kara.

“Volleyball,” Sam answers.

Kara gasps high and almost shrill at that, all too excited to jump in and brag in Lena's honor. “Oh, Lena was _more_ than pretty good. She was the best setter Midvale's ever had.”

“I think you're a little biased, Kara.” Lena couldn't help but protest, finally finding the Christmas ornament she was looking for. She grasps it carefully, running her fingers over the imperfect edges of the handcrafted decoration she made all those years ago. The one that she'd carved—of all things that she could've carved—the phrase 'Lena _plus_ Kara'into.

Fucking _plus_. She might as well have just put a heart there. How she never realized the extent of her love until she was well into her teens, she'll never understand. But then again, in her youth's defense, there were a lot of things going on (i.e. Luthor things).

“Am not! Coach Young said those exact words.”

Okay, so maybe Kara has her there. Coach Young, like Coach Grant, hardly ever praised someone point blank. And when she did praise someone, it was best to just accept it rather than play coy or be insecure. And besides, Coach Young has never not meant a compliment.

“And I bet you're still the best.” And Kara's voice is suddenly a lot closer. Lena's hands subconsciously tighten around the ornament, intending to keep well away from the Christmas tree this year, but she'll only succeed if no one else remembers it exists. Lena lets out a slightly startled grunt as a finger presses into her side and Kara's voice turns teasing. “Even if you have gone soft.”

She rolls her eyes, huffing out a sarcastic _haha_ as she slaps the finger away.

“Hey, I happen to like my softness.” She hadn't always. It's a bit difficult to be with a mother like Lillian. But the years spent away from her and the more time spent with the Danvers, establishing a life of her own, has allowed Lena room to learn to love herself. Yeah, there are still days where she's less than happy about the way her body looks. But those days have gotten farther and fewer in number.

“Good,” Kara murmurs almost to herself. But Lena's hearing has improved where her sight has deteriorated, so she picks up on the words easily. “I like it too.”

And well, it certainly helps to have someone like Kara in her life.

“Alright, lovebirds, no more flirting. We got a tree to decorate.” Sam wedges herself in between them, promptly ignoring their sputtering as she reaches into the box Lena had been digging through. But then, much to Lena's horror, she notices that object in Lena's hands. “What's that you got there, Luthor?”

“Uh,” she starts eloquently and finishes with an equally as non-suspicious, “Nothing?”

“Oh my god,” Kara suddenly shrieks right into her ear, and Lena just knows she's failed at hiding the ornament. “I've been looking for that!”

“What is it?” Sam asks.

“It's, uh – it's an ornament I made in fourth grade. When I was, like, nine... I think.”

Reluctantly and with her cheeks warming, she loosens her hold around the decoration, around the clay star her younger self had shaped. It's lopsided and chunkier in some areas, and the streaks of the paintbrush used are still visible nearly a decade later. Lena had made it _a year_ after meeting Kara.

It's really freaking embarrassing, but Lena _does_ have sentimental feelings attached to the stupid thing, especially since Kara loves it. But she'd wanted to hide it this year, considering Sam is at the Danvers' this year. And Lena _cannot_ handle anymore teasing without imploding.

Kara takes the ornament from her hand, her touch lingering just slightly but enough to make Lena's heart jump into her throat. And then she gets that _look_ , the really fond one, as she traces over the heart's face, traces over the carved phrase. Silently, Kara stands and walks toward the tree, hanging the damn thing front and center. Lena slowly deflates where she sits, head in her hands.

“'Lena plus Kara,' huh?”

“Shut up, Sam.”

“And you were _nine_ when you made it?”

“Just kill me now, please”

But Sam only laughs, patting Lena's shoulder in mock sympathy.

…

Lena tinkers with Kara's gift last minute before she's due to return home. The Danvers women had gone out for the late afternoon—which took a lot of convincing from her and Sam to do—and Lena had taken to setting up her gift. But for the past half-hour, she's been fretting over how good her gift really is. Sam sits on the floor beside her, paying half a mind to what she's doing while also trying to entertain Ruby.

“Will you relax?” Sam finally cracks, using a tone that borders on her mom voice and exasperated which, really, is basically the same thing when it comes to her friend. Sam's fully embraced her role as both _a_ mom and _the_ mom friend; she's mom-ed all of them at some point. “Kara is going to love your gift. She's probably going to cry.”

“I don't want to make her cry, though,” Lena mutters, just barely holding back from pouting.

“I know that you know that I meant she'll cry happy tears.”

“Yeah,” she finally relents, sighing heavily. “She'll cry real ugly and she'll still be pretty as all hell.”

“Wow.”

“Shut—” Ruby squeals happily as Krypto bounds into the room, and Lena bites her cheek. 'Shut up' isn't technically a curse word but Lena would rather not be responsible for Ruby happily reciting the phrase back. “Be quiet, Sam.”

“You know, I've been meaning to ask,” Sam starts, turning away to watch Ruby fully. She knows that Krypto is trustworthy with the toddler—he's a known gentle giant—but Sam's the 'better safe than sorry' type. “What's up with you and Kara?”

“What do you mean?”

“Lena, C' mon, really?”

And Lena almost cracks, almost says _Kara almost kissed me and I don't know how to feel about it_ , but she doesn't. It feels wrong to discuss it with anyone but Kara first, especially since she'd agreed to talk about it with her 'later.' And while that would have been an empty promise with other people, Lena doesn't have a habit of making empty promises to Kara.

“I'll tell you about it later, okay?” Sam arches a brow, but Lena remains adamant. “I, uh, I have to talk to Kara first.”

“Alright, fine. But I expect details, Lena. All of them.”

Lena rolls her eyes fondly and nods in agreement. They descend into a companionable silence after that, easy and light. And it isn't long until the Danvers women come back, and suddenly Lena's nerves are back with a vengeance. She fidgets with her gift, looking to Sam for reassurance. She gets it readily. Sam's already looking back, giving her a thumbs up as she picks up Ruby.

“I'll send Kara up, okay?” She says, lingering at the door with her free hand on the handle. It's a rhetorical question but it works in its intent to reassure her.

“Yeah,” Lena answers, nodding absentmindedly as Sam exits. Then she rushes to set up her gift. She places the device directly in the middle of the room, turning it on and checking once again that everything is in order. While she hears voices murmuring downstairs, she hurries to grab several duvets and fleece blankets to lay on the ground, setting up an area to lay down comfortably. She glances at the window, noting that the sun's setting. The timing's just about perfect, really.

“Lena?”

“In here!”

She waits nervously, feeling, for the first time in a long while, out of place in the bedroom. She can't help but fidget, rocking slightly on her heels as she hears Kara getting closer—thank you creaky floorboards Eliza never got fixed—and she's rather surprised she can hear past her racing heart. Kara starts saying something as she opens the door, but it cuts off into a high pitched gasp, almost a squeak. And Kara moves in a way that Lena thinks means she's covering her mouth.

“Hey,” she can't help but breath out, chuckling nervously. When she doesn't get a reply, she does what Kara does: ramble. “I, uh, tried to get the exact coordinates but it was surprisingly difficult to locate them. I kept getting different answers every time I tried looking into the exact star placement. And considering that you have different names for the constellations, I had to make sure that the interpretations actually corresponded. So it's probably not like how you remember, but I—”

Lena's finally cut off them, the air wheezing out of her as Kara quickly sweeps her up into a bear hug that definitely has the potential of breaking her spine. But Lena doesn't voice that thought, just worms her arms around to hug back. She listens as Kara sniffles, feels her body shudder with tears.“I love it.”

“I'm glad.” She wiggles a little, squirming to signal that Kara should probably let go of her now. But she doesn't let go for a few more moments, and Lena doesn't try again to get out of her hold—not until Kara's ready. She rests her cheek against Kara's shoulder, listening to and feeling the way she takes in large stuttering breaths in an attempt to calm down. Lena manages to maneuver her hand around to grip at one of Kara's, and it's latched to tightly, almost painfully. But Lena just squeezes back. “You good to lie down?”

Her answer comes in the form of a nod but Kara still doesn't let go, so Lena ends up half-shuffling, half-dragging them over to the blankets she laid out. She has half a mind to just tip them over into the sheets when Kara clings tighter, but with one last squeeze, the embrace is loosened. Lena's close enough to see the tear tracks against Kara's flushed cheeks and can't help by smile slightly, partly saddened by the tears and mostly fond by how moved Kara is. There's snort dripping down her lips, mixing with the tears at her chin. Lena lifts her free, sleeve covered hand and wipes at the mess, her fingers twitching when Kara leans into the touch.

It's a bit too much for her heart to handle.

“You really are ugly when you cry,” she murmurs, trying to defuse some of the tension, and she succeeds as her words startle a bark of a laugh from Kara. It makes Lena's smile widen.

“I hate you so much,” Kara says, nearly shouts, through her laughter, contradicting her words immediately.

“No, you don't.”

“No,” she agrees fondly, “I don't.”

Lena pulls away eventually, urging Kara to lay down on the nest she's made. It doesn't take much coaxing; Kara's already emotionally tired from the burst of overwhelming emotions she's just coming down from. Lena intends to lie on the other side, but Kara holds fast against breaking up their hands. Lean huffs out a light _oof_ as Kara pulls her down to lay by her side, practically cradling her to her chest. It's not dissimilar to the times they've cuddled, but it just feels... different.

Intimate.

(Romantic.)

Lena shifts so that she can see the stars that line the walls and ceiling so that she can see the stars of Krypton, of the colony Kara grew up in before it was absorbed into another country. Kara doesn't touch much about her old home. When she does, it's usually the bad memories, her last moments there, that she talks about. But the stars—the stars had been the first good thing Kara had mentioned. And although it took a while, Lena had managed to track down the constellations she spoke of fondly; nostalgically. It took years because—well, shady government business is one way to put it.

But looking at the awe clear on Kara's face makes it worth the trouble.

Kara's worth any trouble, really.

And just like that, the words are on the tip of her tongue. _I love you_ , she could say, could blurt it out. But it dies there, fizzles out with a sweet aftertaste. She could say it, but Kara's already had one emotional moment. To spring another one her... that wouldn't be fair. She'd promised 'later,' and Lena's determined to have that conversation.

But it can wait.

…

Lena almost kisses Kara on New Years.

It's difficult not to when Kara's slightly hopped up on alcohol and dancing around the living room as the countdown broadcasts behind her. Alex had been reluctantly grabbed to join in on the festivities, much to everyone else's amusement. James and Winn had arrived in Midvale for the last leg of winter break, and the Kents and Lanes had also joined the Danvers household. The house is full and rowdy by the time the counter starts.

At _five_ , Lena's suddenly hauled from her seat where she was cradling a glass of sparkling cider—because as chill as Eliza is, underage drinking is a strict 'no' under her house; even if Lena is the only one underage—and she almost spills it as she comes face-to-face with Kara.

At _four,_ she notices the way they're pressed together, the way Kara holds them so that they're molded together. Chest-to-chest, stomach-to-stomach, thighs-to-thighs. And Kara's arms are brands around her waist. It sends her heart racing and heat down her neck.

At _three_ , her eyes slip down and away from the intense look in blue, gold-speckled eyes. She counts the freckles she can see, the freckles no longer hidden by the light concealer Kara wears most days. And, unbidden, her eyes slip lower still to Kara's lips. They part slightly under her attention, and _god_ , Lena wishes Eliza let her drink.

At _two_ , Lena's resolve wavers considerably when Kara's tongue darts out to wet her lips. It's an agonizing moment where her thoughts scream _kiss her!_ And she has to shut her eyes against temptation. It only makes matters worse though. Her other senses heighten even more and she shivers as Kara murmurs her name.

At _one_ , she makes her decision.

The room explodes into cheers of _Happy New Years_ just as she presses forward. She feels more than she hears Kara's chest stutter with the way her breathing trips up. And Lena tilts her head, pressing a kiss against the corner of Kara's mouth. It's a lingering touch that cannot even try to hide the desires she truly wishes to express. She pulls back when she feels Kara begin to shift her head.

“Happy New Years, Lena,” Kara whispers, the words ghosting against her lips and leaving them tingling.

“Yeah,” she replies absentmindedly, “Happy New Years.”

–

**you don't cry too much**

**you know that when you smile**

**the sun shines more gently**

–

It happens on the road back to National City.

They've stopped at a gas station to stretch out their legs, and Kara's basically dragged Lena into the convenience store attached to the place. And Lena follows her readily, watching as Kara picks up an arm full of an assortment of snacks that will tide her hunger over until they get into the city. Kara's talking a mile a minute about her nerves for the upcoming semester, reciting all of the things she's been told about how bad of a teacher Professor Carr is.

Lena's heard of him too, but 'bad' is quite the euphemism.

Kara continues her rant even with her mouth full. It's such an endearingly disgusting sight, and it tugs a smile out of Lena. She leans against the building, watching as Kara shoves another handful of chips into her mouth, crumbs clinging to the side of her mouth. Clicking her tongue, she can't help but reach out to swipe them away. It only just occurs to her how intimate the move is when her thumb brushes against Kara's lower lip.

The older girl turns to face her, swallowing harshly and running her tongue against her teeth, blinking owlishly like she's caught in some daze. Lena doesn't drop her hand but moves it to lightly caress Kara's cheek, running her thumb against her cheekbone. And then, at that moment, Lena thinks: what is she waiting for?

How long is she going to push back 'later' for? And for what reason? For timing? For the perfect setting? Perfect mood? Another almost-kiss?

Absolutely not. So, screw it.

“I've been in love with you for a long time.” She confesses, almost breezily. But it doesn't feel like it's lifted the weight off her shoulders. It feels like it's only added to it. And, really, Lena's been tired for so long. It's the pessimist in her wishing for the optimist to make another appearance. “And I've long since accepted that there wasn't a chance of you returning my feelings, and I've been okay with that. Really. So, it's a bit... weird. This past month I mean.”

“I'm sorry,” Kara says, taking her hand from her cheek and entwining their fingers, “for never noticing.”

“Don't be. Really. I just—it's weird.”

“I know, and that's my fault,” Lena opens her mouth to protest but Kara arches a pointed brow that is definitely in imitation of her. It's not as effective as hers but Lena closes her mouth with a sheepish shrug. And then Kara sighs heavily. “It is, Lena. I've been so not straight with you,” her cheeks flush bright as Lena's unable to hold back a snort at her wording. “I meant – not like – well, yes like – you know what I mean! I just. What I'm trying to say is... my feelings aren't new either.”

Well, that takes Lena completely off guard. “What?”

“I just always thought that they were, you know, best friend feelings or whatever. I don't know,” Kara groans and scrubs her face with her other hand. “But then I talked to Alex and she-she said that I've been afraid of what those feelings, the feelings I have now, mean. That I'm afraid of change and my fear has blinded me. And that I'm being dumb for not seeing what's in front of me. No offense.”

Lena barely holds back from rolling her eyes at the last phrase, knowing it's Kara's attempt to lighten the mood. It barely works though. Normally, it would earn her a playful swat on the arm but Lena's a bit too fixated on trying to wrap her head around her words to do that. “So... you have feelings?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely.”

It's still weird; to go from acceptance of unrequited love _for years_ to suddenly having those feelings returned. And Lena still doesn't know how to feel about it. Elated? Happy? Confused. Unsure. Tired. But hopeful.

“How long?”

“Since Kenny, I think. When we broke up in tenth grade.” Lena remembers that time, remembers staying up all night to console a heartbroken Kara, remembers reciting an old tale her mom used to tell her—the Irish a tad clumsy on a tongue that hasn't spoken it in over a decade. She remembers thinking how stupid Kenny Li was, for breaking up with someone like Kara over something like distance.

But she also remembers sympathizing because Kara's a gift to the world, so how can a single person be the reason that holds her back from discovering herself. And she understands the fear that one day Kara might find someone better to replace her with. “When I woke up the next morning,” Kara continues, “I was still sad but seeing you first thing, it-it made my heart race. At the time I just thought it was... misplaced.”

“Because you had just gone through a breakup,” she understands that.

“Yeah. And then when I started dating again, I just kept thinking: 'Lena would love this place' or 'I should take Lena here.' It wasn't exactly the ideal thing, you know – to be thinking of someone else while on a date. And then there are the times where I'm happiest. It's always with you.”

“And then?”

“And then I talked to Alex. After the thing with Monel.”

“Right.” Lena feels like she's on autopilot of something, just muttering replies as her mind is stuck on Kara's words. It feels like a lot and feels too little at the same time. Lena's a genius; she can understand quantum physics like it's the alphabet; she can develop her own nanotechnology (with the right funding); but she can't, for the life of her, know what to think about Kara's returned feelings.

She's in love. She just never expected to be loved back.

“Lena,” she's snapped out of her thoughts with a squeeze to her hand, and she looks up, hearing the concern and—desperation in Kara's voice. “Say something, please?”

But Lena doesn't. Her eyes flicker across Kara's face, not exactly seeing but she's looking. Her eyes glanced down to Kara's mouth, where she's chewing on her lower lip nervously. She looks back up into blue eyes that have widened marginally. There's a question on the tip of her tongue, one that must be translating directly onto her facial expression because Kara gives a slight, barely there nod.

Lena kisses her. She kisses her, feels her lips part in a gasp she feels more than hears, feels her lean into the touch with a want that Lena isn't mentally prepared for. So she pulls back, keeps it chaste and quick. Although she does dart forward again to lay another kiss there, just as brief, before she took a step back.

“I love you. I'm _in_ love with you,” she repeats her earlier confession, finding herself less tired but still just as unsure. “And I don't-I don't know what comes next.”

“That's okay,” Kara steps forward, undoing the distance Lena had put between them. “We can figure it out together.”

“If you're sure that this is what you want.”

“Oh, Lena,” another step forward and Kara rests their foreheads together. It sends Lena's heart racing and she has the distinct urge to shut her eyes, to look away from the tender look Kara's giving her. But she doesn't. “Of course, I want you.”

“Then okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lena inhales a deep breath, feeling her body shudder with the force of her rattling lungs. “Let me take you out on a date? See how things go?”

“I'd love that.” Kara immediately answers, beaming enough to make the remnants of Lena's vision inconsequential. And her heart swells large enough that Lena's eyes begin to prickle with the heat of tears. It must have been obvious, or perhaps Kara is just that in tune to how she's feeling, because the older girl makes a small noise, pressing closer. “I'm sorry that I didn't realize sooner.”

“It's okay, Kara.” She argues back quietly, moving around so that she can wrap her free arm around Kara's waist. And though she's embraced back readily, she can just feel Kara raring to argue back, an argument that'll descend into an endless back-and-forth.

But a honk pierces through the air and interrupts them from talking any further. Lena bites back a sigh as Kara groans, no doubt tilting her head back to glare at the offender. Lena starts counting _three, two, one_. And predictably, Alex's voice shouts out. “Hurry up, lovebirds! The clock is ticking!”

Lena laughs as Kara mutters watered down curses and moves away reluctantly, but Kara holds fast on her hand, holding tight but not in an uncomfortable manner. They start making their way back to the car where Alex is still hanging out of the driver side window, no doubt glaring at how slow they're moving.

“We'll continue this talk later,” Kara mutters against her ear like a promise. And Lena can only nod.

“Definitely.”

And well, Lena's not too entirely sure about what's to come. But Kara holds her hand throughout the rest of the ride, and she knows that things will work out one way or another. They may struggle to get there if the past few years have anything to go by but they'll do it together. That, Lena's sure of.

…

“So, are you two together or what?”

“Alex!”

“What? Am I wrong?”

**Author's Note:**

> mm, honestly i'm not too sure about the ending but it was getting pretty long lmao. anyway, thanks for reading! and good luck to everyone whose finals are coming up!


End file.
